|
Good Enough Mothering
by Paula R. Schild, Ph.D.
Good
enough mothering—doesn’t that sound wonderful? You could stop
feeling guilty about not being the “perfect” mother (an impossible goal
anyway), relax, and just be yourself with your kids. You wouldn’t
have to worry about whether you were stimulating your kids enough with
music lessons, dance/movement, baby Einstein tapes etc.—not that these
things aren’t beneficial—they are. But they’re not necessary for
making your baby emotionally and physically healthy. The most
important thing for your child’s development is you.
Recent research on the brain has demonstrated that the brain is
use-dependent (again, I’m referencing “Parenting from the Inside-Out”
by Siegel & Hartzell). What does this mean? That your
baby’s brain develops by using it in conjunction with
another—you! Simple things like making eye contact, mirroring
your baby/child’s facial expressions, matching the tone of her voice
all help her brain develop. Responding to your baby’s need for
food, clean diapers, and comfort help build her sense of self, and
ultimately, the understanding that you are dependable. The good
news is that these things come naturally to most of us as mothers.
The better news is that it isn’t even good for our kids if we, by some
superwoman feat, achieve near perfect mothering. Why?
Because not meeting your baby’s needs one hundred percent of the time
builds trust. Let me illustrate this idea with an example.
Say that just as you are on the phone with an important call that
cannot wait, you hear your baby begin cry as he starts to wake up from
his nap. What to do—finish the call as quickly as you can or hang
up immediately and go to your crying child?
If your son has experienced you as being responsive enough to him in
the past, that is, comforting him, feeding him, or changing his diaper
most of the time, he will not be damaged if you don’t go to him
immediately in this case. When you have responded quickly in the
past, your baby is not only getting soothed by you but he is also
learning how to soothe himself. He may not stop crying while you
finish up your phone call, but when you do come in, he will have the
experience of “oh, here’s mommy, she’s late, which I don’t like, but
she is going to change my wet diaper and give me some milk.” The
next time something like this happens, when you can’t respond
immediately to your kid’s needs, he will have this experience to fall
back on—“hmm, last time this happened, mommy did show up eventually, so
I’ll trust that she’ll come this time too.”
These experiences not only help your child learn to trust, it prepares
her for the “real” world where chances are good that very few people
will be as responsive to her as you. So, sit back, relax, and
realize that being a “good enough mother” is not only easier on you,
but is better for your kids as well.
Note to Stepmoms: “good enough” mothering is the only thing
possible for stepkids. You will never replace your stepkids’
mother, so don’t even try. The best thing you can be is another
caring adult in their lives. Ultimately, it is up to them to
allow you in.
Please
contact Paula Schild, Ph. D. at
303-908-6557 if you have
any questions, or visit her website at www.paulaschild.com.
Paula is a Moxie Moms
partner...see her page in the Boulder Partner section.
|
|
